Why You Need to Stop Blaming Yourself When You Can’t Do It All
Let me take you back to a time when I truly believed I was going to be that girl—you know, the one with the dream job, the spotless clean home, 5am workouts, homemade meals, a thriving social life, and glowing skin.
Looking back, I was wildly unaware of the realities of adult life—especially as an immigrant, millennial woman of color navigating life in the U.S. That picture-perfect version of success? It wasn’t mine. It was shaped by external pressures, the so-called “American Dream,” and a lack of self-awareness about my own neurodivergence.
And honestly, I see this all the time with neurodivergent, multi-passionate women of color I work with—this deep sense of failure when we can’t do it all—especially when the world keeps telling us we should.
So let’s unpack where those unrealistic expectations come from, why they hit us harder, and how reclaiming our humanity and creative joy is one of the most radical things we can do.
If that sounds like something you need to hear right now, keep reading.
Scroll down to read the post or
Watch the video on YouTube and subscribe to my channel here
Listen to this episode on the Heal and Grow with Creativity Podcast
Listen on Apple Podcasts / Listen on Spotify
Our Culture’s Obsession with Being Busy and Productive
If we look around in our modern culture, everyone is striving for productivity. Being busy is something to aspire to, a sign of fitting in and being accepted. We don’t even know what to talk about that isn’t work related.
This is something I experienced quite strongly during my days as a hard working college student, then transitioning into a full-time office job, while also living in a busy city like Los Angeles, where the creative energy is loud and infectious. It was hard not to feel the constant pressure and influence of it all.
We get so focused on doing, achieving, growing, optimizing that we forget to be human beings. We forget that we also need to UNPLUG, RECHARGE, and just EXIST. Even when we like what we do for a living!
More often than not we say yes to more work, out of:
Feeling guilt
Not wanting to appear lazy or unmotivated
Or simply being afraid of what to-do when not distracted by external demands
In all honesty, it feels like we don’t even know what rest even means, especially if you’re like me—a first-gen immigrant, neurodivergent, multi-passionate woman of color—you’ve probably had to fight twice as hard just to be seen. So it’s no wonder we cling to perfectionism as a coping mechanism.
What If It Was Never Your Individual Fault?
Let me ask you something, what if you’ve been assuming that all your perceived failures are your entire fault?
What if the problem isn’t you—but a capitalist system that is built on toxic individualism, pulling yourself by the bootstraps, and gaslighting us into believing we don’t have any inherent value as human beings unless we are constantly producing.
A system that by default was never meant to include people like you and me. Where those with the most power, responsibility, and need for accountability are the least interested in changing things.
And, let’s not forget that many of us are introverts, empaths, and deep feelers, who by default tend to go inward—to analyze, overthink, and self-blame.
This is why it’s so critical for all of us to widen our perspective and look outside ourselves to identify the actual problem (systems of oppression) instead of simply blaming ourselves.
So, we really need to stop letting this sick and dysfunctional society gaslight us into thinking that this is all OUR fault and that the burden of fixing everything is ours to carry alone.
And I’m here to say: It’s not!
The Reality of a Late Neurodivergence Diagnosis
Now let’s add another layer, the realization that you are neurodivergent in late adulthood, whether it’s ADHD, autism, chronic illness, or a combination of these or anything else under the neurodivergent umbrella.
You may just be starting to realize that:
Your energy levels are unpredictable and inconsistent
Your capacity has changed
You’re not able to-do or achieve as much as you used to ( adding to personal frustration and feelings of inadequacy)
You’re struggling with executive function issues like planning, organizing, and managing your daily tasks, just to name a few.
It’s no surprise that we are exhausted. We are having to live in a world that wasn’t designed to support the way our brain, body, emotions, and spirit work.
Another very frustrating aspect of unpredictable energy levels (especially as an AuDHDer) and one I hear very little about is— the sudden bursts of creative energy that arise in the most inconvenient and unpredictable times throughout our day.
It’s a constant balance between staying interested & engaged and getting overwhelmed & burned out. Yet no one is talking about the mental toll all of this takes.
When You’re Multi-Passionate, Life Gets Even More Complicated
Now, if you're someone who is naturally curious and likes to do lots of different things, this can add even more pressure to your already challenging existence.
It’s difficult to realize that your very nature as a multi-passionate person is yet another thing you must learn to manage, especially when you’re already struggling with low energy.
But here is the other side of this coin, making time to do things you actually enjoy is necessary for your survival and wellbeing. Most of us are spending 80% of our time managing our lives and leaving about 20% of our time to things that actually bring us joy (if that).
But when we don’t leave time for our self-care and rest, life can quickly turn into nothing but paying bills and work. The truth is that we need to leave space, energy, and time for ourselves, to live.
This means being able to enjoy the people, experiences, and things that bring us joy as much as possible and making time to create and express ourselves just because we can. This is how we hold on to our humanity.
These are not “nice-to-have’s”, they are a necessity in this capitalistic hellscape.
These very things that might look frivolous on the outside, by they ARE the very things that will give us the energy to:
Keep moving forward
Support our mental health
Validate our experiences, and
Helps us to create meaning out of these very challenging times
Honestly, if you are not creating and expressing yourself, then you’re creating fears and overthinking your way to despair.
This is why I’m a huge advocate of learning to transform our fear and worries into creative expression.
Key Takeaway
If you take one thing away from this, let it be this:
There is nothing wrong with you.
You just live in a capitalistic society obsessed with productivity, where even REST is framed as a strategy to achieve more.
Closing Thoughts
Learn to listen to yourself and become an intentional observer of your own experience.
Honor your energy levels by practicing self-compassion & self-acceptance
(these things don’t require you to do more).Finally, remember that your creative self-care is not a “nice-to-have”,
it’s VITAL!
Renata is a creativity coach empowering neurodivergent and multi-passionate women of color, to use creativity as a tool for self-discovery and healing, so they can let go of feeling inadequate and insecure and start experiencing more confidence and self-acceptance. She’s currently offering a free copy of her therapeutic art making workbook when you sign up for her email list. Sign up here to get your free copy.
