A Reflection on Friendship and Emotional Labor
Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling strangely empty… even though you spent an hour or two listening to the other person? Caring and showing up?
On the surface, nothing “went wrong.” You were present. You were engaged. You offered empathy and attention. And yet… something didn’t feel mutual.
That quiet, unsettled feeling can be hard to name. It often shows up as a sense of invisibility, like you were there, but not really met.
If you’ve ever found yourself leaving friendships feeling unseen, emotionally drained, or questioning your own needs, this reflection is for you.
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What Inspired This Moment
Recently, I found myself in this exact situation.
I made space in my schedule to connect with someone I was genuinely excited to get to know better. I felt open, hopeful, and curious about where the connection might lead.
But when the call ended, I felt unexpectedly awful.
I was surprised by how disappointed I felt (and confused about why). Nothing had gone wrong exactly. And yet, I walked away feeling drained, unseen, and unsettled…
I sat with that feeling for a while, and I realized this wasn’t a one-off experience. It was familiar.
That moment, the quiet gap between how much I showed up and how little I felt met, became the inspiration for this episode.
The Beginning of the Friendship
Let’s talk about a really common experience many of us can relate to: the feeling of being invisible in friendships. Although this can happen in any type of relationship, in this post, we are focusing on friendships.
Maybe you met someone new at your job, a class, or at a club that you’re a part of.
Initially, you started talking to this person, you noticed there was potential and enough common ground to be friends. You started talking to this person and things seemed very promising.
You felt excited and you thought to yourself, “I like this person and I think we have a lot in common. I think I finally met someone who gets me”.
Initially, this is fun, exciting, and it fills you with hope because you think you found a great match.
You want to get close to this person, because afterall, you’re open to meeting new people and making new friends. And, you’re willing to give them a chance.
You want someone you can count on and confide in. Someone you can reach out to when things get hard.
By this point, you're also starting to wonder if this person can become a bigger part of your life, maybe even a part of your inner circle, although, in truth, you probably already let them in before you even had a chance to decide on it.
Something Starts to Feel Off
As you get to know this person, reality hits!
Although they are nice enough and not overtly harmful, something doesn’t feel quite right in the relationship. And that’s what makes it so confusing.
On the surface things look fine but you know something is off.
You realize that you’re the one reaching out most of the time, while the other person takes more of a back seat, and always waits for your invitation to connect.
You start to notice that you leave each conversation feeling frustrated, tired, and dissatisfied because this friend never asks you how you are, is not interested in your problems, or cares about what’s going on in your life.
You offer empathy, care, and understanding, but you get very little in return.
When you share authentically, you quickly regret it. They say little or nothing at all, and the silence leaves you feeling exposed and ashamed. You almost wished you had kept it to yourself.
At some point, you realize the conversations aren’t really conversations anymore. They’ve quietly turned into therapy sessions, and you’ve been cast as the unofficial therapist.
When this is the dynamic, it makes sense that you feel invisible in these so-called “friendships”.
Turning the Blame Inward
If this story landed, you might be feeling a mix of relief and sadness.
You might be wondering how many times this has happened without you realizing.
You might start questioning yourself and wondering if you’re too much, too complicated, and if you should just be grateful for any connection at all.
And maybe the hardest part is that you’ve learned to blame yourself for this. Not out of self-punishment but out of a need to make sense of it.
You’ve assumed that it was your fault. That you’re too intense, too complicated, and too much.
Reconsidering What You Need
What if the desire to want to be seen, recognized, and invited in are not signs of being too self-centered, picky, or too much?
But a genuine need to be acknowledged and appreciated for who you truly are. Without masking, over explaining, or the emotional labor of having to monitor how you’ll be perceived?
What if the self-blame is simply a reflection of not having the tools, language, or guidance to meet your own needs?
A Gentle Invitation
If you resonate with any of this, I want to invite you to gently ask yourself, in what areas of my life have I felt too much? Too needy? Too intense? Where do I feel the most invisible?
And if you feel drawn to exploring this with support, in a space grounded in intentional noticing, care, and curiosity through expressive art, I’d love to walk alongside you.
You’re welcome to schedule a free discovery call, to explore what this gentle support can look like for you.
Thanks so much for being here. I’ll see you on the next one.
Renata is a creativity coach who supports neurodivergent and multi-passionate women of color in building a kinder relationship with themselves through expressive art. Her work helps clients move from feeling overwhelmed and disconnected toward more ease and calm. She’s currently offering a free copy of her therapeutic art-making workbook when you join her email list. Sign up here to receive your free copy.
